13 march 2015 Cont.

1syawal 1456H

Fewhh..panjangnya entry yg sebelum ni..kalau nak tau harini bujang aku dah masuk 4bulan 4hari..
Life is amazing with him..macam2 benda jadi tapi for this entry aku akan habiskan cerita pengalaman masa melahirkan my one and only Ahmad Shahiril.

Selepas checkup 39mnggu yg sgt scary itu dan blood stain yg keluar pada hari2 berikutnya,aku berjaya tggu sampai usia kandungan berusia 40mnggu genap.and haritu aku terpaksa serah diri kt hospital..pagi tu aku brkfast dgn telur separuh masak n air milo..aku tak rasa apa2 panic ke nervous ke..sebab takde rasa sakit..infact bila pagi nk ke hospital tu aku macam pasrah n redho je tanpa putus2 doa supaya apa2 pun kami mak dan anak selamat.

Jarak rumah n hosp tak smpai 5mnt..smpai je hosp lepas take turn utk jumpa doc,nurse yg incharge tu tanya aku harini dah due ye puan.aku kata aah.dia pun angkat fon kt rgstration counter tu and sambungkan talian ke doc rohaini..dia tanya sikit2 pastu dia letak.dia panggil aku n cakap "puan boleh terus check in la harini ye".aku n suami kata "okay"

Kemudian seorang lg staff nurse bawak kami ke labour room..nk buat ctg katanya utk cek contraction.aku tiba2 rasa excited.haa ctg ni aku tau tak sakit huhu.masuk labour room dia suruh baring,dia pasangkan mesin ctg tu and keluar utk tggu result smbil buat keje dia.aku ingat masa tu aku ada app digital quran so aku bukak surah maryam n baca smbil mesin ctg tu baca contraction aku.tgh leka2 baca surah maryam,nurse yg sama tu masuk lagi..dia kata nk cek dilation.hmm cek dilation ye ok aku pun berhusnudzon dgn fikir yg klw nurse yg buat mesti kejp n tk sesakit doc yg buat mcm haritu.supp! Dia masuk dah (lps mnta kebenaran lah) fuhh sama je sakitnya siap lagi lama plak nurse ni buat.dia kata sbb dia tk dpt estimate berapa cm bukaan nya tu yg dia seluk bukan main lama.fuhh nak menangis aku time tu.and then dia kata baru 1cm rasanya takpe nnt doc masuk dia cek lagi.haaa? Bukan ko cekkan bg pihak doc ke tadi tu? Dari peristiwa tu lah aku tau yg aku tkkan melalui saat2 indah utk jam2 seterusnya smpai aku berslin sbb cnfirm asek kena seluk je and i dont like it.at all.

Tggu lagi dalam stgh jam,doc rohaini pulak masuk n cek dilation.yeap sama.1cm jugak.kira 2 kali keje la ni.2 kali sakit jugak la kan.hmmmphh!

Doc pun advice yg aku kena bersalin haritu jugak utk elak apa2 complication.lps dah 2 kali kena seluk dlm masa sejam aku pun nk beranak cepat je dah.tkde maknalah nk dtg lg seluk lagi dtg lagi seluk lagi.then doc pun suruh kami check in bilik ward dan nnt dia akan masukkan ubat utk induce.katanya insyaAllah malam ni atau esok bersalin lah (sambil senyum).dia suruh aku jalan2 turun naik tangga kt hosp sementara tu utk trigger labour.

Masa ni honestly aku dah down,bukaan masih 1cm slps seminggu sebelumnya yg bukaan 0.5cm.tanda darah kt spender byk kali keluar n ramai ckp oh tu mesti dah buka besar tu klw dah ada tanda darah.mngkin dah 3/4cm.padahal naik 0.5cm je lps seminggu.so paham tak kenapa aku down? Sbb dah nmpak kemungkinan besar yg aku tk dpt bersalin normal.dan kesedaran yg aku akan tempuh saat2 bersalin yg tak mudah.puaslah aku kena seluk masuk ubat seluk lagi klw takde progress masuk ubat lagi,sampai ada bukaan lpstu tggu bukaan 10cm pulak and klw bukaan tk sampai2 10cm or aku dah tak larat,diorang akan buat emergency csect.macammana tau possibilities tu semua? Lepas puas baca psl pngalaman org bersalin dekat blog few weeks before.lol.tulah sape suruh baca.takpe bagus jugak ada idea how it might be.betul?

Dan aku msih ingat lagi bila aku tiba2 dtg idea gila n bgtau kt suami yg aku nk cser terus takyah masuk2 ubat.farid macam shocked and speechless aku kata gitu.dia kata taknak cuba dulu ke.masuk ubat sekali.klw takde progress baru kita consider utk cser.then aku pun keluarlah hujah2 aku saying,mcm tak je normal.klw dah seminggu pun bukaan cuma tambah 0.5cm je.nk tggu 10cm nak berapa lama lg? 10minggu? (Argument gila tak valid,emo lebih) then lepas fikir betul2 waras2 yelah of course kena cuba dulu mana boleh terus2 nk csect.klw nk beranak pun aku tknak amk risiko nk jln mudah n cepat keluar je jgn marah bila anak ni dah besar nnt dia sndiri pun taknak cuba apa2 n cuma tau guna jln mudah.tanpa usaha sebelum.tu lah yg aku pegang n dtglah berani tu utk hadap je bersalin scr paksa ni.aku redha n cuba kuatkan smgt semula.

Lepas dpt katil,aku non stop baca surah maryam and solat hajat.serius.rasa dia mcm nk pegi berperang.nervous gila.nk keluarkan satu lg nyawa and nyawa kita pun belum tentu selamat.sbb tu rasa mcm nk pegi berperang.fuhh perasaan yg hanya akan dpt waktu tu je.betul la pun perasaan tu sbb allah pun dah kata ibu2 yg mati sewaktu nk melahirkan ni mati shahid sbb dikira mcm berjihad.

6ptg doc masukkan ubat utk trigger labour.masukkan ubatbtu kt kita punya miss v jugak cuma dia tk masukkan dalam2 pun mcm seluk time nk cek dilation.then diorang pasang ctg sekali utk monitor contraction reading.dlm masa sejam nurse dtg utk cek bacaan ctg.nurse kata contraction belum kuat.dia tanya aku rasa apa.serius aku kata tk rasa pape lagi ohh patutlah ctg pun belum kuat. lpstu ctg dah cabut time tu lah aku rasa sakit dia.dekat wad cuma tinggal aku n suami.ibu dah balik lps beberapa jam jugak temankan aku kt wad.sakit dia mcm senggugut tapi tak berhenti.sakit sakit dan sakit.klw senggugut ada jugak pause dia.so masa tk sakit kita boleh tidur.yg ni tk boleh.langsung tk boleh.in fact aku kena berjalan2 pulak utk hilangkan sakit tu.dari pukul 6 smpai 4 pagi esoknya aku lgsung tk dpt tidur.cuma mampu duduk bangun jalan sikit2. Dpt tidur2 ayam pun dr pukul 4-6 pg sebab dah kena sound dgn nurse bidan.dia kata kena cuba tidur,nnt esok nk teran tkde tenaga lg bahaya.so aku pun paksa diri pejam mata n layan ngantuk.dan masa ni jugalah terbukti besarnya pengorbanan suami.sbb dia pun sama2 dgn aku dr ptg smpai pg esoknya berjaga.dia tk dpt tidur tgk aku gelisah tahan sakit.takpelah penglaman utk kami berdua.


Pkul 6 pg bangun solat subuh.masa ni rasa sakit yg mcm senggugut non stop dah kurang.pegi toilet tgk dekat pad ada kesan mcm oren2.panggil nurse dia kata tu mungkin sisa baki ubat.dia tnya aku sakit perut lg tak.aku kata dah tak sgt.dia jawab ha sbb kesan ubat tu dah habislah tu.oh gitu.so sakit yg aku rasa smlm tu semata2 sbb ubat ke.Nk jadi cerita mmg masa aku tahan sakit yg tkde pause mlm tu perut aku senget sebelah.maybe masa tu shahir dopaksa utk cari jln (kesan ubat tu lah) tapi tk jumpa.so instead of dia kebwh,dia ketepi pulak.nampak obvious masa tu baby mengiring ke tepi smpai ketara perut bsr sebelah.lps selesai solat nurse bidan dtg bgtau utk aku siap2 sbb pukul 8 nk msuk labour room nk pecah ketuban.aik? Terus ke? Aku pun tanya nurse tu,doc tak cek bukaan dulu ke? Nurs3 tu kata selalunya bila dah masuk ubat mesti dah buka 3/4cm so boleh terus pecah ketuban n masuk ubat lagi.okay.cukuplah explaination dia smpai situ.aku pun pegi mandi n tggu ibu sampai.pagi tu ibu dtg bwk sarapan telur separuh masak.ingat lagi perasaan bila nampak ibu masa tu.haihh takmau lah.sedih titew.yelah bila ibu kita ada saat kita pulak nk jadi ibu,mcm2 dlm kepala.tapi masa tu kalau ingat balik aku mcm tenang je sbb dah puas sakit satu malam smpai ke pagi so bila fikir insyaAllah at least harini aku dpt jumpa anak ni,tak kisahlah petang ke malam ke tgh malam pun,aku jadi lega.sakit (yg belum dtg tu) dah malas nk fikir.cuma aku dah boleh bayangkan macammana sakitnya (agaknyalah) sbb dah rasa contraction yg induce tu macammana kan.kira dah ada hint la heavy contraction nnt macammana heavy nya.lol

Selesai sarapan yg paling memberi kesan (walaupun cuma telur separuh masak), aku bersiap2 tukar baju hijau untuk masuk dlm labour room. Sampai depan pintu yg ada tulis labour room tu farid berhenti jap n baca doa minta Allah beri kemudahan kekuatan dan keselamatan pada aku dan anak.aku aminkan dengan sebaknya.mcm nk berperang kan? Aku dah kata dah.

Dalam tu dah ada satu bilik yg depa dah tulis siap2 nama aku.maksudnya itulah tempat yg aku akan stay sampai beranak.tapi suami boleh teman jgn risau. Klw dua jam dua jam lah,klw sepuluh jam sepuluh jam lah,ada yg 5 min ha 5 min lah.

Masuk bilik tu,baring atas katil then one of the nurses dok prepare barang2,drip yg diorang akan masukkan ikut urat tgn as satu lagi ubat yg akan trigger labour, dan prepare no siri untuk ibu dan anak (bila baby dah keluar dia akan letak tag dgn no siri yg sama pd kaki baby so takkan ada yg tertukar anak nanti)

Less than half an hour later,doc rohaini masuk.mcm biasa lah dia tanya so how do i feel,and let us ask her anything in mind.lepastu dia seluk.so total dah 4 kali kena seluk dalam tempoh 24 jam T_T

And this was the time when she finally ended everything.dia kata takde progress,dilation still at 1cm not moving,and baby's head not engaged yet.kepala baby masih jauh dari dinding faraj tmpat dia keluar tu.aku terima berita tu dgn tenang lagi.kami tanya so doc advice macammana.dia kata ada 2 options lagi,nk tggu n masukkan ubat lagi or operate terus.farid kata kalau masuk ubat lagi max boleh reach berapa lama baru active labour? Doc kata the longest is 48hrs.
Fuh.
Hmm.
Fuh.
Entah aku dah mcm tak sanggup klw kena stay lagi 2 hari.maybe kalau dia kasi balik rumah lepas dah masukkan ubat aku ok hihi.tp jgn haraplah.so kami decide potong lah doctor.doc rohaini terus kata haa saya pun rasa better operate je sbb kepala dia pun masih jauh.and she even added takpe husna,next baby klw baby girl maybe kecik sikit insyaAllah boleh normal.nampak dia sempat buat lawak.lol. so final decision operate je.dia kata im the first patient for operation pagi tu.so takyah tunggu lagi they got everything ready and terus tolak aku pi operation room.terus terang masa tu aku rasa lega.aku rasa aku dah buat keputusan paling betul.aku taknak seksa badan n baby dgn masukkan lagi ubat dan benarkan ubat tu paksa dia rasa tak selesa kt dalam tu.they say operate susah nk pantang lagipun klw boleh cuba jaya jugak smpai boleh normal sbb org yg operate ni kira macam mengelat lah.tak rasa lah sakit teran budak tu bla bla bla (as if anything happen diorang nak ganti nyawa or kecederaan yg kita rasa).mulut terkumat kamit tak lepas dari lafaz la ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntuminazzolimin sepanjang perjalan ke OR.and sampai sana ada lagi nurse and staff yg tahan untuk verifiy yg kita bersedia untuk dibedah.sama ada kita betul2 setuju atau tak n other verification they have to make. I even got to ask the aneasth about how it will be done in there.pengsan ke separuh sedar ke.and she said i will feel numb from chest and below.if i can still feel my leg she wanted me to tell them so they will give another shot to get my body paralysed wholely.tak leh gerak langsung.pengsan terus lah tak sedar apa. But Alhamdulillah semuanya mudah.tak rasa apa2 when suddenly i heard his first sound.10min kot.sekejap sgt.sempat fikir macam2 like kenapa staff dalam ni siap boleh nyanyi2 mmg tak seram langsung ke tgk perut org kena belah, n klw baby dah keluar kenapa takde yg mcm kecoh2 tgk baby.and while i was in my neverland, sorang nurse dtg n tunjuk baby yg putih merah n asked me to tell the gender.anak aku weh comelnyaaaa. i said 'boy' touchingly.she let me kiss him while the baby was no longer crying.and she took him away.i cried later that.baru dapat kewarasan yg tu anak aku.anak aku.tuhannn Ya Allah rabbi.kau cipta dan benarkan satu lagi manusia yg akan jadi saham akhirat aku yg selama ni aku cuma dpt rasa dalam perut.n now hes here.i can touch him.in fact i just did.nangis dan bersyukur.MasyaAllah Subhanallah.Alhamdulillah.lebih indah dari mimpi indah.sweeter than sweet dreams.

Ahmad Shahiril bin Farid
10.36 a.m
13/3/2015
3.48kg

Langsung hilang segala sakit segala risau segala tak percaya.lega tapi lebih lagi.bukan happy tapi rasa cantik.yg cantik sangat.haa jatuh cinta! yeap tu dia yg kita cari.rasa jatuh cinta yg sepertama kalinya.dan akan rasa lagi kalau ada rezeki lepas ni hihi

The whole day i ws smiling.nk tengok dia setiap saat.dok update dekat whatsapp group rasa syukur dan lega.nurses went in and out the room offering me painkiller if i need any.the first 6hours i couldnt get up from my bed sbb kesan bius hanya akan hilang 6jam kemudiannya.Alhamdulillah satu hari tu takde rasa sakit so i didnt take any painkiller sepanjang tu.nurse kata malam aku kena kencing at least once nnt baru diorang boleh kasi kita check out esok pagi2.klw tak diorang akan tahan lagi.melopong pulak tgk bill kang.tu yg aku nekad kot.aku gigihkan untuk bangun pergi bilik air then gigihkan untuk kencing.fuh first time bangun sangatlah sakitnya.otot perut dah putus n ko kena guna jugak otot tu utk buat almost everything.nk bangun, nk kencing, nk berak apatah lagi.nekad punya pasal yg sakit gila jadi 'sakit jugaklah' n yg macam mustahil jadi boleh.esoknya sebelum tengahari dpt checkout.

Oh sebelum tu,pagi esoknya doc masuk untuk check condition aku.dan dia kata choosing to do the csect is the right decision sbb masa nk keluarkan baby tu dia dah berak dlm perut pun.which means klw masa tu aku insist utk normal jugak baby akan termakan najis dia sndiri which leads to baby being weak inside and leads to emergency csect.so i made the right choice sbb dia tk smpat nk makan najis dia.instict that only a mother will have.mhmmm (nodding confidently)

So itulah.habis dah.shahir dah besar sila baca ye.cerita paling menarik dalam parts of your life.ibu sayang shahir kerana Allah

harap shahir pun begitu.Amin.

13 march 2015

29/3/15 23:02

Cmne nk mula eh..dah lama tak menulis pun ye..bahasa inggeris pun dah bercabuk..klw pegi interview mestindah tergagap2..

Aku masih dlm pantang lagi..harini hari ke 17..macam2 dugaan dlm pantang yg aku dah rasa..sakitnya..rimasnya..peliknya..

Sakit bila bengkak susu,bila kena urut tetek utk hilangkan bengkak susu,bila luka czer belum betul2 baik smpai nk bgun pun mkn masa 10min kot,bila berak keras,bila first time nk bg anak breastfeed,bila anak blum nk bf n first time pam susu,bila puting luka,bila byk angin smpai nk kentut pun perut boleh jadi tegang gila2,bila bf anak n terpaksa stay in 1 position smpai sakit tulang belakang,bila sakit tulang punggung sbb duduk lama sikit kt lantai..xsmpai 5 mnit pun..

Rimas bila tak boleh mandi,bila badan melekit tp nk sbun leceh so boleh lap2 je n stgh jam lpstu dah melekit semula,bila darah nifas keluar byk tp nk bersihkan kt bhgn bwh tu pun leceh sbb takleh nk cangkung or tunduk sgt or kangkang sgt smpai kdg2 terpaksa lap area kelengkang n betis dgn wet tissue je,bila dah boleh mandi sikit tp tak boleh kenakan air dekat kwsn jahitan so perut ni dah dekat 2 mnggu tak disental,bila puting pendek so nk bg anak bf sgt susah smpai meleleh2 susu dekat baju anak dgn kain batik n klw dibiarkan smpi kering baunya sgt asyemm,bila bngkak susu n puting sgt sakit smpai aku berlengging tak pakai baju or bra the whole day sbb puting tetek takleh terkena apa2 masa tu,dan bila panas berpeluh2 tp nk mandi tak boleh smpai bdn rasa gatal2 yg teramat..ya allah...

Pelik bila first time tgk manusia kecil yg berwajah persis diri sndiri tp kita nk bg mkn or nk buat pape pun tak reti,bila rasa sakit yg terlalu bermacam2 smpai rasa bilalahhh nk habis sakit2 ni semua lepas satu satu,bila anak menangis yg kita mcm tak pasti dia nk apa..haihhh

Dasyat kan..masa bengkak susu n urut nk bg bengkak surut sgtttttt sakit..sumpah..aku berlengging satu hari sambil menangis teresak2 kesenduan sbb sakit campur rimas cmpur geram huhu..bayangkanlah dok kehulur kehilir dgn tetek melayut2 sbb berlengging abes..pakai kain batik je tu pun bwh tetek..sbb tetek mmg takleh kena pape time tu..tp takde lah keluar lepak kt hall g dapur semua cmtu..berperap dlm bilik je lah..serius spanjang dlm pantang bengkak susu paling sakit..sampai nk demam..

Tp banyak jugak benda2 yg aku boleh kata mcm keajaiban yg berlaku masa dlm pantang ni..contoh masa bengkak susu lah..haha tak abes2 dgn bngkak susu pnya isu..tp serius sbb masa aku sakit tu aku mmg dah takleh nk focus pd anak mmg bg org lain je yg uruskan dia..n masa tu kt rumah ada adik dgn akak aku so satu hari tu rupanya anak aku tak meragam sikit pun..dia duk main dgn pakcik n makcik dia..comel kan..mcm paham2 mak dia tak sihat pastu mlm tu dia tdo mcm biasa lah atas katil dgn aku n mak aku tp dia boleh layan tdo dr pkul 11 smpai 4 pg..5 jam woi dia tidur tak merengek nk susu or nk suruh basuh berak or pape lah..mmg bg can kt aku utk rehat lah sng ckp..sdgkan ikutkan budak takleh tdo lama2 gitu n slalu yg tido lama cmtu budak yg ada jaundice..tp anak aku takde kuning pun n mlm2 sblmnya dia tido mlm pling kuat 2 jam bertahan.pastu bgun n merengek nk susu atau pape lah..so bila aku n mak aku terjaga n tgk jam pkul 4 masa tu gelabah gila ktrg. Terus kejut n susukan dia..n pagi tu aku dah baik pun..alhamdulillah..

Lpstu sakit yg aku rasa pun mmg mcm2 tapi tak sekali harung..hari pertama smpai ke 3 aku merasa sakit czer smpai nk bgun pun kena 2 3 org angkat n papah..hari ke 4 aku dah boleh bangun sndiri even lmbat lpstu baru kena bngkak susu,lps bngkak susu dah ok baru aku dpt bf anak n merasa sakit puting luka plak,pastu smntara aku tggu smpai puting ok sakit perut msuk angin,bila perut dah ok,aku susukan anak semula n time tu pun dah tak luka lah bila aku bf dia.n smpai skrg mmg struggle nk bf dia sbb puting aku pendek..ktrg sama2 struggle ok..aku struggle nk bg puting masuk dlm mulut dia so dia boleh nyonyot n anak aku plak struggle nk dptkan puting tu huhu kesian anak ibu

30/3/15 10:41

Harini masuk hari ke 17 berpantang..harini first time aku nk kena tggal sorang dgn my baby..mak aku kena start g kedai jahit dia semula utk siapkan tempahan baju2 cust dia..dah 2 mggu dia ttup kedai..so byk nk kena catch up blk tu..aku faham lah wlwpun cuak jugak kena tggal sorg2 tp takpelah kita pun dah larat sikit ni kira ok lah..

Harini jugak aku nk cerita pengalaman masa bersalin pulak..hmmm masih segar bugar lagi dlm kotak kepala otak aku ni huhu..hari selasa masa kandungan dah berusia 39mggu..mmg haritu ada appointmnt utk 39wks lah so aku n suami pun pegi ke hosp utk checkup mcm biasa..pikiran kosong je time tu sbb checkup ni mmg rutin kan lg2 bila dah masuk mggu ke 32 above checkup pun dah jd once every 2wks..so bila dah smpai giliran nk dipanggil msuk bilik doc utk checkup ktrg p un masuk..doc nmpak je aku dia terus tanya cmni "husna..mcmmana?nk bersalin harini?"

Gulp.telan airliur aku.tanda langsung takde lg aku pun takde rasa sakit contraction langsung..tiba2 nk bersalin..baby pun belum nk keluar lah doc..huhu so aku pun ckp "eh belum..belum ada tanda apa2 lg hihi" pastu doc tu ckp klw nk bersalin skrg dah boleh..sbb kdg2 ada org dah msuk 39mggu ni dia dah tak sabar nk bersalin sbb belakang pun dah sakit tidur pun tak nyenyak" dlm hati aku,yg tu mmg lah tp mcm aku tak tau klw nk bersalin skrg nnt aku kena induce semua tu..aku tanak..aku nk sakit yg dtg secara sendiri bukan dipksa2..pastu doc pun mcm biasalah suruh aku naik atas katil utk scan bby..hmm ok doc pun scan pastu dia dah tgk uri position baby semua tiba2 dia ckp cmni "emm boleh tahan" aku pun tanya apa yg boleh thn doc? "Baby awak besar ni..jap eh saya check estimation berat dia" aku dah gulp.telan airliur lg skali..adoi besar ke..aku dahlah kecik..boleh keluar ikut bwh ke klw baby besar ni..pastu doc ckp "3.4" hah?? Aku mcm slaha dengar..berapa? Aku tanya doc tu. "3.4 besar ni" sambil senyumm je.doc rohaini nama dia..sgt sweet ckp baik2 je.tp masa dia bgtau baby 3.4kg aku tgk muka dia pun dh risau..mcm tak confident baby boleh keluar normal..pastu xabes lg..dia suruh plak aku bukak spender "nk cek jalan ehhh" kata nurse pmbantu tu..ohh nak seluk..ok aku pernah dgr pasal seluk2 ni ramai kata tak sedap tp mcm tak yeye sgt lah..lg sakit contraction lah semua org ckp.so aku pun serahkan jelah pd doc tu utk diseluk huhu..dia pun masukkan jari dia sikit eh rasa lah ada jari masuk ikut situ pastu dia kata "tahan sikit husna eh..sakit sikit ni..mnta maaf husna ye.." Suppp! Ha terangkat bontot aku mmg sakit oiiii!!! Terkeluar airmata ibu mngandung aku masa tu even aku tak nangis pun tp sbb sakit sgt smpai scara sndirinya mata boleh berair..sumpah tak tipu..bukannya aku nangis ke apa..pastu doc tu ckp plak "rilek husna rileks..jgn angkat bontot..saya tak dpt ni.."dia keluarkan balik jari dia "lg skali eh..rileks..jgn angkat bontot.." Dia seluk lg skali aku pun pegang tepi katil tu kuat2 pastu terangkat lg skit la kot bontot aku pastu doc ckp "ok2 tahan sikit..mnta maaf ye husna ye..ok dah" dia keluarkan jari dia..pastu dia kata dilation ataupun bukaan laluan utk baby keluar cuma baru 0.5cm which means kecikkk sgt lagi..klw nk ikutkan paling2 kena 3/4cm baru mcm ada potensi bersalin normal..aku pun dgn terkejutnya mnggigil2 n terkebil2 lah mngenangkan kejadian td..rasa ngilu2 je lagi tp buat2 cool lah..so tanya lah doc tu cmne..apa comment doc..doc bgtau bukaan belum ada,pastu dia tnya dah ada keluar darah tak kt panties ke masa kencing ke..aku ckp belum..ada mcm keluar air byk smpai basah seluar ke cmne..aku ckp takde..dua2 tu aku tau mmg tanda2 nk bersalin tp serius mmg takde lg tanda2 tu semua..pastu doc ckp lg ok takpe.."mnggu dpn due date dtg lah..nnt kita tgk cmne klw mmg belum ada tanda nk bersalin kita cuba bg masa lg beberapa hari tp disebabkan baby awk besar saya tak galakkan utk tggu lg lama sbb takut dia makin mmbesar..klw skrg dah 3.4 takut lg smnggu boleh naik lg byk" aku pun terfikir..yelah ada betulnya jugak..sbb masa 37mggu berat baby 2.7kg je..lps 2 mggu boleh naik 700grm smpai 3.4kg..lg smnggu ntah berapa lg naik adoiii aku mmg dah risau..aku tanya doc apa punca baby boleh besar gitu eh..doc ckp mngkin pemakanan so dia suruh aku kurangkan carbs..hmm mmg aku mkn nasi byk masa mngandung ni yelah first trimester dah mabuk teruk so bila dah srlera tu aku tak control lgsung lah aku bedal je huhu..tp aku rasa aku msih kawal jugak tp mngkin still byk dr yg spatutnya kot. So puaslah aku menyalahkan diri sndiri time tu..

Balik je rumah aku terus kol ibu n biasalah bila aku kol ibu mmg menangis lah..aku risau kena operate n xdpt bersalin normal n tahlah mcm2 aku risau..mungkin time tu pun aku dah ada instinct sbnrnya apa yg akan jd..pastu terus aku exercise turun naik tgga jln pusing satu taman petang2 smpai berpeluh2..lg jauh aku jalan dr org tak pregnant tau..walaupun sbnrnya dr masa 7bln aku dah ajak laki aku jln2 taman cmtu tp dia slalu ckp jauh nk jalan kaki takut syg tak larat..jauh takut syg tak larat..nmpak tak dia punya underestimate kt aku tuh..

Esoknya which is wednesday dlm pkul 1 ptg..aku nk kencing n aku nmpak ada mcm blood stain dekat panties..hmm ni mcm tanda yg mak aku ckp n bidan aku ada bgtau..keluar tanda darah..so aku terus kol mak aku lg utk bgtau yg dah ada tanda darah pastu mk aku pun lincah lah dr pontian ke nusabayu sbb ingatkan aku bakal bersalin dlm masa terdekat..ohh tidak rupanya..lps keluar blood stain tu sehari demi sehari takdr benda jadi..yg ada keluar lg blood stain kt spender..ada lah dlm 5 kali aku jumpa ksn darah kt spender tp lgsung takde rasa sakit..bila aku bgtau kwn2 aku semua seboleh2 paksa aku pegi hospital..diorang kata klw dah ada tanda tu bahaya klw biar takut baby lemas lah apa lah bla bla bla..aku plak yakin belum smpai masa..sbb takde rasa sakit lgsung kan..cmne tiba2 nk terberanak plak..

29th march 2014 finally we are officially husband abd wife.u may kiss the bride.of course u may.it r fuckin wife! halal kot.Alhamdulillah.it hs been 7 yrs of love hate relationship.in the end kawen jugakkk.being a wife is different.most of the times it is more on pleasing ur man.if he doesnt like it dont do it.if he likes it.its ur choice.thats the rough concept of pleasing.but heylaki mak bkn firaun and mak bkn kupu2 yg tiada hak di rumah sndiri.paham kannnn.obey suami without questioning anything is soooo eons ago.so pramlee punya age.skg dah tak.hak ttp hak.tuih tak? (loghat utaqa) .

we know god is great so he gives us numerous ways to be happy. after all we might lose what we have, little by little. and eventually only god's love is eternal. so be unnoticed and be happy.be single and be happy.be you and be happy.

seriously im not strong with all these. aku yang salah ke. tapi aku rasa aku pun ada hak untuk tetapkan hala tuju hidup aku.macamtu jugak dia. dia pilih untuk kejar cita2 in life dan aku cuma mahu bahagia. aku takkan putuskan hubungan ni cuma biar aku bagi hati ni peluang. fikir la masak2 wahai hati. kita masih boleh memilih. terus terang dengan cara dia macamni i can totally feel that hes going to leave me again after we get married. sama macam abang dia. and malangnya aku tak setabah kakak ipar dia. aku ada pilihan. aku masih boleh pilih, sekarang. Allah yg maha merancang kalau Dia takdirkan jodoh kami aku pasti dia takkan tinggalkan aku lagi mcm sekarang macam abang dia. dan kalau bukan, bukan lah makanya. kun faya kun, kan? cuma Allah, jagalah dia, jagalah hatinya. aku serahkan padamu tuhan sebaik baik perancang.Amin Ya Rabbalalamin.

dear Mrs.stalker :)

dear mrs.stalker,

yes you know who you are..i bet you are the only person who is pretty interested with any social network account i have..so how are you? been good? yeah me too since i finish my practical training it has been much and way better.lol. now heres what im really going to say.

1) this is my public account on the internet which ANYONE is free to read them. but my twitter, and my facebook are my privacy. obviously, no one can invade them WITHOUT my permission. except for my parents. get it?

2) you are just an attention whore who thinks you got the money so you can buy people's heart. you are asking ppl to obey you since you are the boss but apparently it's not obeying, it's being dumb and stupid and cannot do our own decision even when it comes to our personal life a.k.a your infinite SLAVE!!!

3) you are an old woman who covers yourself in a jubah with a DEVIL heart. you are cruel, heartless, and wicked. someday...one fine day....Allah will pay what you have done to the other ppl you have oppressed. .

4) yes i used to respect you back then, but now the only thing ive seen is you are just an arrogant, disrespected, rotten-heart, and you forget there is justice out there for everyone.

5) just give us the damn form!!!!!!!!!!!!!

homesicko

its been awhile i havent publish new entry..been busy like..very busy..like (macam bitches blondie), no lah..tade internet access tu yg sebenarnya! soooo~ nothing much, but yes..this 1 first i wanna tell is fun! it does make me feel less homesick haha.

> a visit to Malaysia national autistic center. 1 mac 2011

 whoa~it was an experience i wont forget..because, believe me or not, i did manage to dwell with my fear and panicness haha..there are so many things to tell, ouh excitednye nk bercerita! ouh! ouh! *tergedik2 macam ecah* ok, so it was actually an event organized by our faculty (the language fac) to support the kasih sayang 1 msia campaign, so me n couple of friends decided to join it, thanx to deary efy n iza for inviting us to join.. but sadly  efy wasnt there on the visit day :(

so, on the visit day which is tuesday, 5 of us: me, eca, paan, mad n iza woke up very early, i mean VERY early to catch the bus that they said will be off as early as 7 in the morning..with our black apparel (due to d reason that bright colour might tense the autistic), we waited in the faculty's lobby and wait for the EARLY bus to come and fetch us.. at EARLY about 7.30 a.m it arrived and we had our journey with an absolute calmness..*imagine urself in a bathtub having your milk bath while listening to Bach music..yeahh~ thats the calm im talkin about

then at about an hour later we reached the place, the bus parked in front of the autistic center but we had to walk to their hostel first for the morning activity. so, we walked there feeling calm..*Bach music

nahh, 5 mins later we were there..all of us stood infont of the hostel's gate since we werent allowed to get in yet..there was an absolute calm in me since its morning n for god's sake im doing charity ok~like charity~*cut it off bitch!

about 20mins standing outside their authority we were allowed to enter and do our preparation for the activities planned. so, we got in and made ourselves at home when suddenly one of the autistic came out. she's kinda chubby, a teenager, and wore their uniform. ok, i can see that the calmness is getting thinner in me. but i thought "lekla sorang je die takkan menyerang punye"..one of the instructors brought her closer to us, well frankly it didnt give me any comfort at all.the instructor askd us to greet her and shake her hand and be friendly while as for me i wouldnt go even close to her.. i was staying in my seat and ignored the situation while taking off my RED socks.*bright colour will tense them, remember?

ok, the autistic girl now had gone. she ws inside their living room with the instructor..relieve, that's all i can say. then, another suddenly, about 20 more of them appeared from nowhere.they were all grown ups like us but act weirdly, i was quickly standing and positioning myself in the best position i could find..i stood beside, infront, and back of other normal people, feeling insecure..i hold sapikot's hand nearly all the time and tried to avoid the autistic as hard as i could..some of them were running while screaming hysterically, clapping abnormally, mumbling their words while walking here and there uncontrollably.*now imagine ur in a war while the enemy put on a war music, no more Bach

but, maddy manged to get 1 autistic girl name Raihan..shes totally sweet and pretty. its just that she cant talk properly or even respond to her surroundings properly.thats all. if shes normal, she'll b one hot chick in Klang Valley ya know! she seemed pretty and calm n not aggressive so i dare to touch her, well she ws ok. but there were still others who looked terrifying to me..then, the director of the program, ajue askd every participants to take at least one autistic with us (meaning, we'll be their instructors for that day) well, im in a war field, still.and im about to be dead.

to be looked like ive taken someone, i ws staying near to maddy n paan all the time since they got the pretty non-aggressive Raihan with them, the others didnt look like Raihan at all..while iza n pika were also trying to approach one of the autistic to be their gundiks, i was wandering and following anyone i see and pretending like i am taking someone to look after. *punyelah penakut nauzubillah!


then, we had our morning work out. my eyes were everywhere cautious that some of them might attack me. iza already had her gundik name tek chun where mad n paan had Raihan, i ws searching for someone normal or atleast look a bit normal to be taken. however, no one met my requirement, means no gundik for me..yey!!

haf an hour later, all of us were asked to have our breakfast..not hungry..as for me..home..was what i ws thinking about. my other friends were accompanying their gundiks for breakfast and i decided to sneak out from the room and get fresh air where no autistic running and jumping..now, i feel peace back..*relieve


so while waiting for the others to finish their breakfast, i ws chatting and giving my self some time from the awkwardness. then fariz came out and brought his gundik with him, this one is quite big and wide but hey, he wasnt aggressive either..so i went close to them, try to talk to him *the autistic lah takkan fariz pulak*. he wasnt respond but he ws staying calm and under control..i dont feel fear the most important thing, and that was a good sign :)

next, we were assigned to do the mural activity where we got to paint n draw with those special people. i sat in a circle together with maddy,paan n raihan, eca n iza with tek chun..tek chun, this one didnt seem dangerous too.but he loves to jump, i startd to analyze them and found out that each one of them has their own types of habits or things or actions that they will do repeatedly. like Raihan, she used to talk to herself in her own language while playing with her hair like paris hilton's "that's hot", while tek chun loves to jump, walk, and tidying things up.he doesnt like mess.interesting isnt it? so i startd to communicate with them and put myself in a comfort area..no more harmful sense of feeling. *the Bach music begin to play once more.....

in the next hours,  we were moving to their nurturing center and doing other activities such as making origami papers and etc. now, everything seems to be under control and just fine. i didnt feel any fear no more and i can put my self comfortably everywhere even when i ws surrounded by those special people. they are special u know..at some point they are adorable..

at about 2 pm, we finished our activities and prepared for our journey back to UITM..well, ironically it felt quite reluctant to say goodbye to them especially Raihan and Tek Chun since we were kinda getting close and knowing them well. the most important thing is, they dont attack or bite..absolutely not.

Bfore the war started =p

its Raihan in the blue uniform, i told u shes cute ;)
l-r: paan,me,eca,mady,lil raihan,iza

this is the youngest student in the center which is 14 years old, since hes d youngest, he likes to b pampered like a baby, its kinda funny looking at how people ntertain him XD

The best part is, im totally freaking out when they (the autistic) came out at first..they look very harmful and unrealistic to be close with. yet, at the end i was feeling a total peaceful where i realized my eyes had fooled me..they are special..even now while im writing this i feel peace~~*sinking myself in the bathtub with ferrero roche music on, yeah that's the peace im talking about.......

thanx for the great xperience guys ;>